tired of myself and all this indulgence

I have been reading the coming insurrection because Jack bought it for me. I am very much into it I love the idea any idea of extreme manifestos. The futurist manifesto is another I enjoy to just read and love how passionate and insane they were how i wish to be this way. Anyway one chapter in this book appears to me as a reoccurring conversation I have been having with my self, rather conflicted insane ramble, for years-- 70% of german youth say they want to become artists-- the idea that everyone is something cool that what they are doing is great and smart and talented and well of course marketable. It use to make me hate everyone I thought they were all indolent over indulgent fools--I was of course one of them but better of course because well I KNEWWWWWW and was AWARE--oh how i have failed myself completely

I am a capitalistic american mother fucker and I am self pitying myself by writing it in a blog I am humoring myself and embarrassed and ashamed, maybe if I write this all down then maybe I will quit--

I want all these things to quiet and yet I have to purchase this go to this doctor go here start this do that in order to calm down--feel at peace-- its hilarious and stupid and i know every one knows but do we? Because its consuming all of me--it is me-- and now i'm scared

it's not just get a job get a wife get a mortgage have kids pay for there college golf when your retired die-- kill all dreams you have ever had work fifty to seventy hours squash all relationships for a hope of success by purchasing more and more in order to die of something the doctors still can't cure.--Its so much, well plainly, sadder.

where is the way out? Where is the crack in the system and how do I attain it? hide, become an austere monk, fuck it all, do drugs, keep on keeping on? Spend more money? wake up next morning, paranoia, zantex

sleep